Once
again I have found one of the articles this week to be of particular
interest. Should You Stay Together for the Kids, by Walter Kirn, really
struck a chord in me. I grew up with two
parents who would fight (verbally only, more just arguing) in front of my
brothers and me weekly. When I was a
teenager, I do recall hearing them arguing after I called it a night, when I
would go to my room and studying before falling asleep or just trying to fall
asleep in general. They didn’t fight
every night, but I do remember thinking “why don’t they just get a divorce?”
which I am glad they never did. Oddly
enough, I think they work, even codependent or dysfunctional as they are. They are nearing 70, so at this point, I think
divorce is out of the picture, and they still do things together as a
couple. They just argue. Ok, on to the article…..
When
Joanne, the initial example in the article said “before I met my husband, I
sabotaged all my other relationships with men because I assumed they would fail”. To me, that was a powerful thing to say. She really took her fathers’ leaving as an
example for what is inevitable, and was just trying to avoid that pain
herself. Obviously she did find
happiness as she states “before I met my husband” (though this article is from
2000, so that is 14 more years for something to have happened, but I try to be
an optimist).
I
was surprised, and also not so surprised (can that happen?) to hear that there
are about a million children that are the product of divorce every year. I am surprised because that number seems
high, but when I think about perhaps two children households, that number is
more like 500,000 couples split up, which seems about right. Also, it seems as though discussion for the
children happen mostly in the court, as the couples most likely are not on good
terms.
The
article focuses on the children of divorce who are grown now, and are still
hurting from the pain of divorce (I still can’t believe how dramatic I was
about wishing my parents would get a divorce, because that would make all my problems disappear). The article points out that children of
divorce “suffer depression, learning difficulties and other psychological
problems more frequently than those of intact families.” I would like to point out that children of
mothers with postpartum depression who fail to gain their child’s attachment
can also suffer from depression, and also those with permissive parents (which
some households who stay together but are divided end up being like). Children who are born to mothers who don’t
take proper care of themselves during pregnancy can suffer learning challenges
(among other things), and other psychological problems are all over the board
(at least in the U.S.). Children are
stated to struggle when they start to develop more mature relationships, that
they are gun shy, and look for love in strange places. So did I. There must be so many more factors than just
the home environment, such as the parenting style, types of friends, temperament,
In many ways, a child that is raised in a
single parent home, could even be stronger than the child of a two parent
home. I think of it as having to earn
one’s keep, or pay one’s way. A child
who doesn’t have all of the advantages of having parents who are together
(sometimes this means more $) will have to work harder, which in many ways I
wish I could have learned many more lessons when I was young about money and
responsibilities, because I am 31 (closer to 32) and still trying to figure out
my life.
I
am not religious, so I think that many of these children’s view of a fairy tale
or nothing, isn’t such a bad thing to go for.
Why the heck not. I know a few
really happy couples, some approaching 10-15 years married, some with kids,
some without, and these guys truly are wonderful couples. Very social, but yet really tuned to what
their partner wants. These are the lucky
ones. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think
that people should have high romantic expectations, but I think if you find it,
holy moly, hang on to it for as long as you can!!!!! I again am so glad and thankful for my
parents staying together because I know it would have been worse if they were
apart.
I wonder if they count the children who never had a 2 parent family to begin with. I know plenty of women who have multiple children who were never married. Some of these kids have different fathers as well. I thought the million number was a little low. Look at the daytime shows that are about nothing more than a paternity test. I think they need to start researching these groups as well. It happens mostly in the families that are struggling with poverty and lack of education. A very sad thing in such an affluent country.
ReplyDeleteJoanna, I enjoyed what you shared in your blog post. I can relate, and feel similarly about several of the issues you brought up.
ReplyDeleteI too would be trying to go to sleep and be listening to my parents yelling. I can hardly put into words the fear and sadness I felt deep inside. It is good to know, for some couples, such as your parents, they were able to work through their difficulties. Maybe they too, felt that staying together was best for the children.
With respect to the article as Kirn discus’s Joannes’ struggles. For me, this feels very familiar. As a child from a mother who divorced three times, before I left home, five total, my view of men was particularly skewed. It is good to know people can recover, to a point, from being a child of divorce.
The statistics of children from divorced, single parent homes’ is alarming. It is a problem which really needs to change. I believe we are damaging our culture in a very long term sense. When you have a society with so much up heave in the family unit, the society as a whole begins to crumble. I am interested to see more research in that particular area.
I think there may be other factors as you suggest as to the “why” children from divorces homes are so unstable. It seems for the most part though, that research is clear and persons from divorced homes suffer a huge emotional set back.
Thank you , for your post! Great work.
Tami
Joanna, thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI grew up the oldest of five with my single mother, I truly believe this has helped to shape me into the motivated person that I am today. I learned early on how to take on a lot of responsibility and deal with a lot of stressful situations. But I sometimes wish I was able to form a relationship with my father but I didn't meet him until I was 13. My mother remarried to a man who I adore when I was 16(I introduced them) and he has been my father ever since and he raised five kids that where not his own. I now have a family and I feel like it all happened at the right time for us. Have a good day!
Joanna when i was younger my parents verbally fought as well and I remember wanting them to just get a divorce so we could all be happy. I as well am thankful they didn't I couldn't imagine my family being broken up. I feel like even though they did not divorce I still had some of the same issues as a child with divorced parents may have, I suffered from depression and still do, thankfully that is really the only thing.
ReplyDelete